Bored. Bored to tears. That's how I feel. Well, I am feeling a little better this morning, but yesterday was a hard one! The only people I ever see are my family and occasionally the Fish family. I miss church! I miss it so badly! I miss going to the gym! I miss seeing peoples faces, friends faces, and even strangers faces without masks on! And the boys are home all day, everyday. Which makes it very difficult for me to go and do anything, and when I do, the guilt at being gone is real! It is so real! And I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but the whole time I am gone I am wondering what they're doing and if they're doing things they shouldn't be doing. And they're good kids, like ... amazingly good kids, but when you're bored, that's when you do things you typically wouldn't do. So that's another thing I miss, I miss having some me time during the day, where I am all alone and I can run errands or work on young women's without the guilt. And this morning, I should be doing a work out while it's cool outside, but I am bored with my workouts. I am bored of the music I listen to while I work out! I am bored with the actual workouts! I am tired of trying to motivate myself and I hate that since I hurt my rib, my workouts feel pointless. So yeah, I just slept in, and now I am sitting here crying, and honestly, it feels like a better thing to be doing than my workout. Because I just need to remind myself that it's okay to to be sad. It's okay to miss all the things I miss, and to miss them deeply.
It's a little later in the day. Lately I have been writing prayer poems. It started when I read the primary song about prayers and it kind of made me shutter inside. There really is not just one way to pray, and I feel that little song does a dis-service to kids when it comes to teaching them how to pray. The lyrics to the song go
I begin by saying Dear Heavenly Father.
I thank Him for blessings He sends.
Then humbly I ask Him for things that I need,
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
It's a sweet little song and I understand its basic, but that's actually where my problem lies. It's basic! Prayers can be so powerful and personal if we make them that way. In my opinion you could never write just one blanket statement to describe prayer. So I have been writing my own prayer poems, and I wrote one today to describe how I am struggling.
I softly sob,
Dear Heavenly Father.
I'm so lonely it hurts inside.
Is it okay if I just sit with you and cry?
I know this disaster is happening worldwide,
but honestly, I don't know how much longer I can comply.
My old life, the gym, church friends, and strangers faces,
they're all closed off, shut down, and hidden in their own safe spaces.
But connection is key, you created it that way,
so can I just ask, how much longer must we live this way?
You're at the helm, the one in control, please fix it!
Please, find. way to make my life whole.
I know it's up to me God, to make the most out of everything,
And I promise I'll try soon, God. But right now, peace is what I pray you'll bring.
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