I remember when I first started going to therapy, my therapist gave me an exercise to do, not like a physical exercise, but an emotional one. Each night, before I went to bed, I was to write down three feelings I had felt that day. I did this for about a year! I originally thought it was a stupid idea. But looking back, I can see how it taught me to really be able to zone in and recognize WHAT I was feeling. And do you know how important that is?
And then a few years ago I picked up journaling. And I think it kind of does the same thing! It forces you to come face-to-face with what you're feeling.
And this skill, this ability to recognize what you're feeling is HUGE!
But it takes some quiet time! It takes some reflection! It requires you to turn off the noise that is ALWAYS around us and focus on what's happening inside of you.
The past two weeks have been hard, and I haven't really been able to pinpoint why exactly they have been hard, but they have been! And then yesterday all the hard came rising to the surface and I was an emotional wreck.
Kira came over yesterday to drop her kids off while she went to the gym to teach her bodypump class. It stung! Bad! And recognizing this, I tried to figure out why this was so hard for me, and this is what all came rising to the surface yesterday.
One, I miss teaching my classes! I miss standing in front of a room full of people and motivating them. I miss the small chit-chat that happens before and after class. I miss seeing my friends! I miss the energy!!!
Two, I have been struggling with body image recently. This is such a hard thing to struggle with and I don't usually, but with quarantine, I have put on some weight and my clothes are all getting tight. So yes, I have been struggling.
So when Kira walked through the door, lean and with her arm muscles showing, to drop her kids off for me to babysit, when she went to the same gym I used to go to, to teach the very class they had asked me to teach, it was all really hard. It brought all those feelings I had been feeling, without even realizing I was feeling them,, to the surface.
And then I got thinking about why I quit teaching in the first place. The real deep down reason is because if I am being totally honest with myself, that's not how I want to motivate people! Yes, I want to motivate other people, but not in that area! I want my focus to be on becoming more self-aware. Or mental health. Or tying mental health into a relationship with Christ. I'm not really sure what to call it! And I have wanted this you years, but I have not known how to go about it. I am not a professional therapist.
But, over the years, an idea has been forming, a class of some sorts. A project. A study guide. A workshop. Something along those lines. Something that ties self awareness into the gospel, or mental health into a relationship with Christ. And as the idea had been forming, so have the specifics. Specific things have come to mind like the layout of chapters and what things to write and say, along with video clips to use that could go along with certain chapters.
And then I got called to be young women's president and my time became a very precious commodity. And I got to a point where I had to chose, after everything was done with my family, if I was going to put time and energy into learning new bodypump releases and planning my circuit training classes, or if I was going to serve the girls in the ward through my calling. It was a no brainer! I WANTED to do my calling! I felt like it was an answer to some unsaid prayer. There is nothing else in the world I would rather be doing than helping people develop a relationship with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, nothing!
So the time would come where I was to teach a new bodypump class, and the big release date was upon me and all the other instructors were talking about which tracks were hard and which songs they liked in the new release, and I hadn't even looked at it yet. And I would have to get a sub for my class because I couldn't go in on the big release day and not teach the new release!
And so I could see it happening in my mind. I was in a place where I had to chose and while the choice seemed easy, because I knew what I really wanted deep down inside of me, the choice was actually REALLY HARD!
Because I have been teaching for 12 years. I am good at it! I like it! And it's not just something that defines me, it's also my friend base. I don't ever hang out with people outside of the gym so this is where my social life was. So in giving this up I am giving up something that is quite literally a part of me, and in doing so, I lost my friends! And I miss them! I miss seeing them and talking to them and laughing with them! I miss the inside jokes and the fact that we got so good at working out together that we could almost dance around the weight floor and effortlessly work together. We were like a well oiled machine.
And I'm giving this up for something I don't even know will work! I spend hours working on this writing project in hopes that one day I can yet again stand in front of a room full of people and motivate them. Yes, it will be different, if it works! But so much of it would be the same, just with a different focus. But the questions is, will it work? Or have I given up something I love for something that will fail?
Yesterday, as all these feelings came rising to the surface, and I was crying (I had a crying headache by the time I went to bed) I had a song come to my mind. It was from the original Mercy River album I bought at the only Time out for Women that I ever attended. I remember that the group had three different albums to chose from and I only had enough to buy one and I was torn on which one to buy. But as I stood there and debated, I remember feeling strongly that I should get the one I did. Now I know why! So many of their songs on this album have been healing for me. And the song I thought of yesterday was no different. The title of the song is called Surrender and here are the lyrics (copied and pasted from google).
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
I have to go now, but there is so much more I want to say about this song and how perfectly it fit yesterday. I listened to it over and over and cried, but this time, a good cry. It felt like God was close and was listening to my worries and concerns.
I'll write more tomorrow!
A video of me and Lindsey working out at the gym!
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