So, as I was saying the other day. Feelings! And how in just a matter of one day, all of the feelings I had, that were buried deep down inside of me, came rising to the surface in one day, in a matter of minutes, when Kira dropped her kids off at my house to go to the gym and teach her class (that used to be mine).
So I left off with the song from Mercy River, and for reference, here are the lyrics again.
My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
And when that song came to my mind I immediately put it on and listened to it. And guess what? It made me cry! More! I couldn't have said it better myself!
My hands are held safely to my dreams! And in my hands they are safe. Nobody can crush them, or ruin them, or tell me they're bad. If I keep them safely in my hands they can never fail!
And for years I've felt the nudge to somehow show my dreams, to do something with them. But now knowing how, and also being scared, in my heart they have stayed.
So now, here is what God is saying to me, Surrender!
And terrified that I have given up my friends and something that I love so very much I reply with, "I know! But can't you see? My dreams are me! And what if I give them to you and you crush them?"
And God says, "I have a plan for you. I want the very best for you life! The world has yet to see what I can do with you when you're committed to the calling I've sent you to do."
And I finally, after years, am saying, "I know what I should do, I'll give them to you. You can help me with this! But please, don't take them away forever. Don't ask me to quit teaching and doing something I love just to have it fail."
So yeah, the song was pretty much perfect and while most of the day I had been crying out of sadness and jealousy, now I was crying because I felt like God understood me, and heard me, and loved me. And it didn't take the sadness away, I kept crying on and off ALL DAY LONG! But I did know that God was there, that He cared and that He was thinking about me.
So, going back to my original point, feelings! With summer here and the boys out of school, and the late nights that result in sleeping in, I have not been nearly as committed to my journaling as I would normally like. And while that's okay, because the late nights have turned into times to connect with the boys, and they love them, it's made me realize that I need to try to find time to fit it in even with the late nights. My days may look different right now, not so structured and all, but my mental health depends on me recognizing what I am feeling and dealing with it!
Like these feelings for example! The ones of jealousy and sadness, It has helped so much just to be able to sit down and write about it and get it off my chest! It hasn't taken them away, but it has given me the ability to recognizer what I am feeling, so when those feelings pop up, I can deal with them as opposed to lashing out at other people. Which is what I did to Jaren the day Kira showed up!
So yay for that homework assignment my therapist gave me, of writing down all my feelings! And yay for journaling, that helps me do the same thing! And yay for being self aware!
It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining and all the trees are green and beautiful looking, and I am feeling generally happy!
Comments