I had an a-ha moment last night while talking to Jaren. As we know, I am a huge introvert, and as such, I'm not really a social butterfly. I thrive in quiet places! I prefer to be home, by myself, rather than out on the town. This is my natural way of being as is! But with that being said, I do like a good girls night every now and then. Or a night when I can do something with a good friend. But I have been feeling off lately! I have zero desire to things with anyone! The girls from the gym have been texting about a girls night and I do not want to go! I feel like we should have Jessi and her kids over while they are in town but I really don't want to! I love Kira, she is such a good friend, and normally I would be excited to talk see her and talk to her, but I just don't want to! And I haven't really been able to figure out why I have been dodging people's phone calls and not responding to their texts, until last night.
As Jaren and I were talking I was telling him about how this calling takes up so much of my emotional self. I go on walks with the moms and we talk about their hardships and trials, and those of their daughters. I call them, the moms and the girls, and we talk. And I am NOT complaining about this, I actually really enjoy it. There is nothing in this world I would rather be doing than helping these people, even if helping is just being their friend!
But with that being said, it takes up ALL of my social allowance ... is that the right word? With me being an introvert, I only have so much of myself that I can give to others and right now, every single ounce of it is being taken up by my calling. And so when it comes time to not be doing anything calling related, I just want to be doing something with my family, or by myself. Again, I hate how negative that sounds, because it doesn't feel negative. Rather, it has been an adjustment. One where I am learning that my social looks different right now. It's shifted from entertainment to developing deep friendships and loving other people the way Christ would (hopefully). It's okay to have this shift occur in my life. It's okay to tell the girls I won't be able to make it to girls night. It's okay to just want to be by myself and with my family when I'm stepping out of my new social life.
Yes, a shift is occurring for sure. And I am SO GLAD I recognized what it was last night, because I have been wondering if I am depressed. Don't depressed people not want to hang out with their friends? Don't depressed people avoid phone calls and texts? But I don't feel depressed, just different. And guilty that I haven't wanted to do things with other people.
And I think the guilt is stemming from a healthy place because I still believe that a lot of these relationships are important and worth putting time and energy into. So I need to find ways to plan ahead and incorporate the people who matter into my life so they don't just fall by the wayside while I have this calling. Because some day this calling will end, and I don't want to have forgotten all the important people in my life when that time does come.
So, something to think about for sure! How to manage my time differently, or plan ahead for social gatherings that are important, or ... I don't know, but for sure something to be thinking about. And above all, to be patient with myself on (thanks God, for that reminder you gave me just now)!!
Time to start another day, one where I don't have to feel guilty about who I am and why I feel the way I feel, but rather, can put that energy towards planning and incorporating those people that matter in a way that works for me right now!
This picture is from the couples ski trip we went on in February. It was so much fun!! I chose this picture because this is a good example of doing something social in way that works for me! In fact, this has got me thinking, date nights!! What a prefect way to do something social in a way that works for me! Jaren can be there and that makes me happy, and we can include other people who matter to us!! Yes, date nights are a good thing.
And family swim parties, that's another way to get good social time in!
Okay, goal for today, plan one date night and invite at least one other family over to swim and get them on the calendar!
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