I have been so excited to get home and write. Yes, we're home from Florida. We got home last night. It was a fun visit, but as always, I'm glad to be home. Anyways, before we left, Leah suggested a book for me to buy and read. It's called "Wildly Optimistic" by Al Carraway. I like Al Carraway a lot, I follow her on Instagram and I had a really awesome spiritual experience one time after listening to one of her talks. So I had no issue buying her book.
While in Florida I started reading it and the second or third chapter in is all about trusting God. Not something I thought I had an issue with, but this particular chapter really stuck out to me. As I've mentioned before, I have pretty much decided stop teaching fitness classes, and this has been a very emotional decision. Which I find funny! I don't even teach that many classes! But it feels like letting go of something that has been a part of me for so long, like losing a piece of my identity! I have been very emotional about it. And the reason I WANT to stop teaching is because I want less things that demand my time. And the reason I want less things that demand my time is because I want to devote more time to God, my calling and developing the project I am working on.
And that is where the fear lies! Because not only am I letting go of something, but I am letting go os something that is sure! I am a good fitness instructor! I like it! I know I have a job. I just got certified as a personal trainer and I could excel in this area of my life, I know I could! I am good at it! But it's not where my hear lies. I don't have a passion for it like I used to. I still have the passion to take care of my body and exercise, but just only own time. That will not go away. But in making this one tiny change in my life, I feel like it's a huge change for me personally. Because I am letting go of something that is sure, to pursue something that is unknown! And that is very scary!! And I have been lingering here. In this middle zone, knowing I want to move forward, but so terrified to do so!
And then Al's chapter! I quote,
"So then why is trusting God so hard? If it is true that we have the most powerful being to ever exist on our side, then why is it so hard to allow His will to take over? Why is it so hard to give it all to Him fully and completely? If it is true that we have an all knowing God who makes no mistakes and is always on our side, then why is it so hard to let go and live the way He wants us to? Why is it so hard to let Him take care of us? Why wouldn't we want things to go how our perfect God wants them to? Why is it so difficult to fully give it to Him? Why is it so hard to let God be God?
I can think of several things off the top of my head, but it all comes down to one thing for me. It could mean uncharted, unmarked, unwanted paths. It could mean giving up comfort or passions. Because giving it to God means an unexpected outcome. If we give it to Him, what is He going to do with it? An unknown variable brings fear and hesitation, the playground for the adversary."
Here she had so perfectly described what I was struggling with! YES! To everything! But then that last line caught me off guard and stopped me in my tracks! Fear and hesitation, the playground for the adversary! Here I was, stuck in fear and especially hesitation, and in so doing, I was letting Satan get the better of me. I had never thought of that before! She goes on,
"The adversary usually gets to me in my thoughts and hypotheticals than anything else. Thoughts that could have the power to immobilize us and stop us from making even a step in the right direction because it's on a new, uncharted path for us. Thoughts and doubts that can be so crippling that we become heavy enough for no movement, entertaining all the worst case scenarios and what-if's. Fear and wonder that can be so powerful that they literally turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. And it wasn't necessarily that she physically turned back that it destroyed her, but that she looked back longingly. She entertained those dangerous and immobilizing thoughts from the adversary and started to believe that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind. She doubted the Lord's ability to bring her somewhere better."
I had heard the story of Lot's wife before and never has anyone been able to explain it in a way that made any sense to me. Seriously God? You turned her into a pillar of salt just because she turned around? Why? But this time, after reading that and being in a situation where I am looking back longingly, instead of looking forward, I TOTALLY get it!
I don't want to be stuck in the fear! I don't want to be stuck in the hesitation! I don't want to be looking back so longingly that I am scared to move forward and therefor miss what God has in store for me! Al goes on,
"Is God always good? Does He always care? It's all true! And our faith and our efforts are not in vain, if we but see our season through and if we but stay on the unexpected path., allowing ourselves to let God be God...Because regardless of how tempting and logical the adversary can seem, our promises, too will be fulfilled."
Our promises will be fulfilled! Sitting there, on the beach in Florida, reading this, I had a memory. I remember the night, over a year ago, when Jaren was out of town, and I stayed up late watching a talk that Al gave at a graduation. It was a powerful talk! I loved it for so many reasons. One of them being that she openly talked about how the Savior was once with her. She did it in such a tactful way that it totally invited the spirit. It wasn't over-sharing, or weird, it was beautiful! And it reminded me of my own experience! But when I was done listening to her I was in awe. I was filled with he spirit in such a way that I almost had never been before. It wasn't just in me, it was in the room and it filled it completely. It was so tangible and it completely engulfed me. I remember sitting on the couch and telling God how thankful I was for this feeling and immediately, before I could even think the thoughts I was instructed to get on my knees. I was tired, it was late but the instruction was so powerful that I did exactly that. Now on my knees I continued to tell God how thankful I was for feeling what I was feeling and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I was in awe with Al Carraway and her ability to share her love of the gospel. And then and there on my knees, with the room filled with a spirit like I had never really felt before, God told me to come to Him, to give my life to Him and He would make more of me then I could ever imagine. I sobbed. I knew He was telling me the truth! I sat there in that room, filled with His love for a long time, not wanting to move or leave.
That night, I thought that returning to God and giving myself to Him meant reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. Something that, at the time, I hadn't been doing consistently. But now, I see that it is so much more than that! It is thinking of Him in every thought, having all of my actions reflect Him. It is combining my life with His will for me! And I am beginning to see how hard that really is! How scary it can really be. But ... BUT! I remember His promise He made that night. I remember being told to get on knees and I remember Him telling me that He will make more of me than I ever could on my own. That is my promise! And now it is time to let God be God, becucae I know God is good! I know His love! I know that His plan is ALWAYS better than my plan! And now, it's time to stop looking back longingly and to move forward, hand-in-hand with God, and let His plan unfold!
Al continues,
"Embrace the unexpected knowing who is guiding you ... A God who solely exists to bring us to the better and to make us better ... And then you'll find yourself on the ride of your life, a ride you were always intended to take."
I am thankful for Leah, for suggesting this book! I am thankful for Al Carraway, for reminding me of my promises from God and showing me an area where the adversary is playing with my emotions, and mostly I am thankful for God! Who will lead me and guide me and who does indeed have a plan for me!
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