I have things I have to do today, and tomorrow, before I fly to Utah for Naomi's funeral. I haven't had things I have HAD to do for two months now and with the responsibility comes stress. I wonder why I do that? I wonder why just having things to do causes me stress? The last two months, when the whole world was shut down was SO NICE! Because there literally was NOTHING to do. I could focus all my time and attention on things I wanted to be doing and not things I HAD to be doing and it was wonderful! That makes me sounds lazy, like I don't want any responsibility, but I don't feel that way!
Anyways, the things I have to get done are simple things like fold the laundry, take Roxy to to the Vet and schedule Austin an orthodontist appointment. These are not huge things, but just knowing they are on my to-do list adds immediate stress into my life. I immediately enter "rush mode" where I have this constant feeling that I won't get everything done "in time". In time for what? What is this imaginary deadline I put on myself? Where does the stress originate from? And why? This is something I would genuinely love to figure out! It's exactly why I didn't want quarantine to end, because I don't want THIS feeling back in my life.
But now that the strict stay-at-home orders are being lifted and people are getting out more, and businesses re opening, I can feel it, I can feel that stress slowly creeping back into my life and I really want to find a way to eliminate it. I know it's coming from within and I know I can find a way to alleviate it, I'm just not sure how.
I remember one day, pre-quarantine, when I was doing my grocery shopping. Mondays were my grocery shopping day and I hated Mondays. They were so jam packed! It was a gym day, so immediately after dropping the boys off I would go to the gym to do my own workout. Then when my workout was done, I had to teach PF @ the rock. Buy the time I was done with that class and had it all cleaned up, it would be 11:45 or noon. So that is literally my whole morning taken up. Then, I would have to hit all three grocery stores, Costco, Kroger and then finally, Walmart. By the time I got to all three, home and had the groceries put away, it would be time to go and pick up the boys from school. Me, still sweaty and gross from workout so many hours earlier. I just wanted a shower!
And I remember walking that day, out of a grocery store and that stressed feeling was high and I remember thinking, "I need to hurry so I can get done with a ll of this and get to my life." And that statement surprised me! Get to my life? I was LIVING my life! In that moment! This IS MY LIFE! So why in the world was I trying to rush through it so fast? But I realized it was because what I considered my life is the things I want to do versus the things I have to do. What I want to do boils down to three things, family time, fitness (for me, not to teach others but to keep myself in shape) and the gospel! That is what I WANT to do! What I have to do is things like grocery shopping, and teaching classes at the gym, and driving. Oh my goodness, SO MUCH DRIVING!
So like I've said before, I desperately want to find a way to take the care free feeling from quarantine and mesh it with the life of things I have to-do. And one thing that has helped me is to realize that I don't want to teach classes anymore. That one thing, dropping those two classes a week, will free up so much of my time! Time that I can devote to the things that are ultimately important to me. My family, my health and the gospel!
And I am so blessed that I have husband who has a wonderful job so that I can devote my time and attention to those things! And what I used to look at as a chore, grocery shopping, I can now look at as a blessing! A way I get to help take cane of my family and provide healthy meals for us. Same with cooking dinner! And driving, I can cut some of that out by working out from home! So much of what needs to happen is a mind shift! These things aren't taking away from my life, they ARE my life! And I love my life. These things aren't chores that take me away from what I want to do, they are the things that allow me to do what I want to do!
And in regards to the gospel, I am so thankful for my calling! I am so thankful that I have an outlet to share the things I have always wanted to share! I hope and pray that I can continue to be who and what God wants me to be.
Now, it's off to a beautiful day! The sun is shining and I thankful I have things I can do to day to help my family! To keep me healthy! And to learn in the gospel and share the good news of it with others!
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