It's been a while since I've sat here to write in my journal, I've missed it. Since the last time I wrote and this morning I went to Utah for Naomi's funeral and the boys are done with school.
Going to Utah was really nice! It was nice to be around other people who were mourning and sad that Naomi was gone. Nobody in my family knew Naomi well or have the same relationship with Rebecca that I have so they weren't sad at all. So for the five days before I went to Utah, being here was hard. They boys would be like, "Hey mom, want to go swimming?" And I didn't! I was sad! So it was great being around family and being able to mourn with other people who mourned.
I'm home now and I am mostly back here, at my journal, because life is hard! And this is so often where I get strength. So many people are dealing with real struggles and I have this weight on me, I feel like I am never doing enough in my calling! I know that this is not a healthy way to feel and I told God all about it in my prayers this morning.
Thankfully, as I began to read my scriptures this morning, I was reminded of how the idea for the sidewalk chalk was from Him! The weekly challenges were not my idea, they were His! And they gave us a reason to connect with the girls, and so many of them participated. I have been viewing it as a failure because they haven't focused on Christ but they were not a failure, because they helped us connect with the girls!
And now, just like the sidewalk chalk was his idea, so is it His idea to be done with the weekly challenges and move into more individual class get-togethers, and shift our focus to more spiritual things!
So this week is our last weekly challenge and it is a spiritual challenge. I had the idea, probably His, to have each of the leaders submit something about we #HearHim. It is something the church has been using on social media. they have people submit videos on how they hear Him and I thought it would be a good weekly challenge, to piggy back off of what the church is doing.
It's the funniest thing, I thought my video was so good and I felt so good about it, but then as other leaders submit their videos, I am all of a sudden self conscious of mine. Is it too much? Did I go too far? Is it too cheesy? I added music! All the other leaders are just talking into their phone. Why do we do this? Why do we compare? I was originally so excited to share my message and now I feel stupid! I don't want to feel stupid, and I don't want to be scared! I want to remember that I once felt good about it, even felt the spirit with me as I typed my message, and I want to move forward in faith that if I felt good about it, and felt the spirit, that it's a good thing to do! As I sit here and type I'm having flashbacks to the Artist's Way. I remember her saying once that it's not our job to judge the work, it is our job to do the work and then, because it is a God-given dream, let Him be the one to have it touch other people. She even went on to talk about how some people critique their work over and over again, never believing it is perfect enough, so never getting it out into the world. I don't want to be that person! I want to be the person who follows my God-given dream! I want to be the person who sends it out anyways, even though I am terrified! Because at the end of the day, I have a message I want to share, I want people to know that God is good! I want people to be able to connect with Him on such a personal level that they can feel the power of His love in their every day lives. I want people to know that repentance is a beautiful thing, something that changes the way you see the world, your life and every other person who lives on this planet. And I want them to know that it all comes through Jesus Christ, and that if we allow Him, He can become our very best friend!
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