Last time I wrote did I even mention anything about coming to Florida? Probably not! We decided, rather last minute, to come. Jaren's parents bought a condo about two months ago and Jaren has been dying to come ever since. I have been sticking strong with a very firm no! The world was on lock down, every politician, celebrity, church leader and commercial reminded us why staying home was important, and I agreed with them. And besides, the condo Ron & Lisa bought, currently, was nothing more than white concrete walls. They are in the middle of redoing it and there is no furniture, no where to sleep, nowhere to sit, nowhere for the boys to do their homework or me to write in my journal. Yeah, no thank you!
But then a few things changed. First, the states started re-opening. Not all at once, but it was now permissible to be certain places at a lower occupancy. And second, Jaren's parents friends, had a friend, who owned another condo and they said we could use it. Fully furnished and in the same building Jaren's parents live. All we had to pay was the clean up fee after we left. This was all Jaren needed, he was going! So now I had to decide if I was going with him or staying home.
While I am a huge homebody and thrive off of routine and structure, Jaren is more of a free soul and is always looking for adventure and excitement. I am learning, that as we age, we are going to need to find a way to support each other in our differences. We were reaching a point where I was getting bitter at his constant need for more, more, more. I couldn't understand why he couldn't be happy with the blessings he had and why that wasn't enough for him. He has this amazing life, amazing family, amazing house and amazing yard sitting right in front of him but yet, it never seemed like enough. I felt like WE were never enough. I began to question if I was enough for him. Did he view me as boring? Did he only see me as someone who was constantly stifling his flame? I FELT like someone who was constantly stifling his flame!! But yet, I truly do not want to travel as much as he does. For me it's exhausting! I thrive off of structure! I excel when I can have quiet time to write and pray and read my scriptures and when we are always going, going, going I don't get that need.
But in all honestly, I wasn't being fare to Jaren. I desperately wanted him to see things from my point of view. I wanted him to be content with being at home, like I am. The hurt I felt was so real and so deep, because the longing I had that I could be enough for him was so real on my end, but yet that clearly did not seem to be the case.
One day, while jogging, I got back to my street, where I usually stop jogging and start walking to cool down before I get home, but that day I wasn't ready to be home yet. I wasn't ready to see Jaren. The hurt I felt inside at not being enough for him was all consuming and I couldn't walk in the door and face him. I needed him to tell me I was enough. I needed him to tell me that even though I don't want to do the same things he does that he still loves me, and I was not getting that. I was just getting constant pushes to come to Florida and constant reminders of why he was bored at home. In other words, constant reminders why I am no longer enough for him. I walked behind the sign that is the entrance to our neighborhood, where nobody could see me, and I cried.
Somewhere in the middle of that cry, God showed me something I could not see on my own. He reminded me of how writing and reading my scriptures isn't just something I like to do, they are things that bring true joy and meaning into my life. They lift me up. They make my days brighter. They magnify all the good in my life and I am a better, happier person when I do those things. For Jaren, his life is magnified in different ways. Yes, reading his scriptures is a good thing for him, but it doesn't magnify the joy and meaning of his world the same way it does mine. For him that comes in the form of adventure. It's not that I am not enough, or the boys are not enough, it's that he and I are different, and we have got to find a way to support one another in our differences, because as is, I was feeling not good enough and he was feeling like he was dying on the inside.
That realization really softened me to the idea of coming to Florida. There was no reason I can't write or read my scriptures while in a fully furnished condo on the beach. In addition, I really like riding my bike and I could ride my bike somewhere new and see new places. Nobody had been in this condo for months so we didn't have to worry about germs and we could drive straight through, not having to stop at any hotels.
So here we are, in Florida. the beaches are not busy and I can ride my bike anywhere, even to the grocery store. My small little city is not set up that way. While I can ride my bike around my small town, it's net up to go from town-to-town on a bike. I rode my bike just this morning, to the grocery store, just to pick up a few lemons.
With all of us sleeping in such a small place its not as easy for me to get up and get my writing done in the morning, when I like, so I just make sure to take some time later, when the boys are doing something else, to get it in. Like right now, they're at the beach boogie boarding and I'm here.
It's interesting how things evolve and how we grow. Just one year ago, heck just one week ago, I would have felt guilty about not joining the family at the beach. I would have felt selfish for staying here to journal instead of being a part of the family. But not today, not anymore. I know now that this is what magnifies all the things in my life, especially my family! And for years I could never understand the couples that took separate vacations from one another, and now I can see how essential it's going to be in the future years of our marriage. There will be times when I go with Jaren, and there will times when I don't, and both are okay! And I am enough for him even on the trips I decide to stay home.
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