I first heard about this concept while reading a Brene Brown book, only she called them shame gremlins. I saw this concept again as I started Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, only she called it our Census. I like the word monster best because it depicts something that is scary. And shame monsters are indeed scary!
Regardless of what you want to call it the concept is the same. It's the belief that we aren't good enough. I know you may be thinking "oh, I never think that about myself" but it may not be overall, it may be specific to a certain aspect of your life.
- I'm not a good enough mother.
- I'm not a good enough wife.
- I will never lose this weight. I am disgusting.
- I can't go public with this idea. Who do I think I am? Why would anyone listen to me?
- Nobody could ever love me because of ...
- There's no way I'll ever get that promotion
- I should not have eaten that, I have no self control.
- If only I could afford to put my kids in ...
- You call that writing? You're not even smart enough to figure out punctuation (A personal favorite of mine!)
Make no mistake about it, we all have a shame monster and it is out to get us!
When this way of thinking begins to creep in the feelings are real and intense! And the crazy thing is, these monsters are dang good at what they do. Often times, taking truth and twisting it into something ugly, something it's not really, but we believe it to be.
And if that weren't enough, they mutate! Once you've figured out how to kick your shame monster to the curb it comes back in a new and different form. So unfortunately, nobody is immune from them.
Let's diagnose what a shame monster is ...
Shame = believing that you are not good enough
Monster = an imaginary creature that is typically large and frightening.
When sitting down to draw my shame monster I googled some ideas. I LOVED the idea of this one because of how accurately it depicts how I feel when my shame monster is beginning to take control. I sat down with a pencil and recreated it with some adjustments to make it my own.
The reason this one feels so accurate is because when I'm in a shame spiral is actually feels like those feelings are hovering over me and I can't get out from underneath them. They are scary feelings that genuinly feel like they're going to consume me.
Often we talk about these things as if they're just some distant feelings but the truth is, when your shame monster pays a visit it can hijack your emotions and disrupt your ability to think clearly.
Its was a spring day and I had gone to the gym early, right after I dropped the kids off at school. My workout that day wasn't great, I wasn't feeling all that well. When I walked in the door I stumbled on the pile of laundry that was scattered all over my laundry room floor. It had been clean for days but I hadn't gotten around to folding it. I decided to skip the shower and fold this huge pile of laundry. It was beginning to bother me. As I was folding the laundry my alarm went off reminding me to make sugar cookies for my kids to take to a friends house the following day. No big deal, I had nothing going on that day! I could finish my laundry, shower and then make the sugar cookies.
I was about half way through the laundry pile when my husband called me to let me that there was a formal event at his work that evening. Originally, he had not planned on going to. Now however, at the last minute, he had changed his mind. He told me he understood it was last minute but he would love it if I could find a way to make it down and join him. Ending with, if I couldn't make it happen, that was totally fine.
The thoughts that followed were instant, real and powerful! As I told my husband I would try and make it happen I looked down at myself. Having not worked out hard that morning the first thing I did was pick apart my body and it only went downhill from there.
I can't go! There is no way I can go! I'm fat. I don't have a single dress that would even fit. He hasn't given me enough time to go to the mall and find something to wear. Even if he had, I don't want to. I look terrible! And besides, I have laundry to fold and cookies to bake! OHHHHH MY GOSH! Was this really my reality? I couldn't go to a formal event with my husband because I'm a fat, stay at home wife who bakes and folds laundry!
I slumped onto the floor and began to cry. I was that! I was a fat stay at home mom who bakes and folds laundry.
In that moment I could not see myself as anything other than that!
In an effort to try and rid myself of all of the terrible feelings I called my husband. Hoping he could fix it but instead unleashing all the internal hurt into the phone. I lashed out at him about not understanding what its like being a girl and how ridiculous it was for his firm to ask something like this during the middle of the week. My poor husband, he's been very patient with me over the years as I have learned how to deal with my shame monster!
I went to my sisters next and it was here that I was given a good dose of reality!
They were able to help me realize what was happening. My shame monsters were attacking in full force!
Once I knew what was happening was I able to stare the shame monsters back in the face and begin to take control of my emotions. This downward shame spiral was a powerful one for me. Why? Because my monster took something that was true and twisted it into something ugly. I am a stay at home mom. I was folding laundry that day and I did need to bake cookies but that is not ALL that I am!
I am so much more!
So what should we do when we feel this way? These feelings are so painful that we will do anything to NOT feel them. So instead we turn our feelings into something ugly that we often take out on those around us.
Instead, here are some things to focus on.
1. Recoghnize how this emotion makes you feel
Recognizing this feeling is not always an easy thing to do because, like I said, it's such a painful feeling that our natural reaction is to off load it onto others. Have patience as you begin to recogonize how this emotion feels to you.
For me the first thing that happens is anger. I am angry with everyone. This is not a normal anger. It's anger that is stemming from "I am not enough" and since this is incredibly painful this anger is one that overtakes any logic. My body feels like it is twice it's normal size and I enter attack mode. Anyone who has the unpleasant experience of being around me will get attacked, verbally.
In my story, my anger came out in attack for towards my husband. Typically, I would never speak to my husband that way. I would never speak to anyone that way! But our shame monsters have their way of hijacking our logic and instead, our emotions are running the show.
I have been practicing recognizing my shame monsters for a long enough that I now know the signs. The feeling of my body growing in size, the heat that comes to my face, the immediate and totally illogical anger! I know those signs now as "WARNING! WARNING? You are believing you are not good enough." And I know to not talk/text/email/DM anyone (except my sisters or Maggie) until I have worked out whatever is going on in my head.
2. Call it what it is
Now that you can recognize what it is you're feeling make sure to call it what it is! This one is key! Don't skip this step. Iff you remember, my sisters were able to reality check me. This is very helpful! Our shame monsters do not like to be brought to the light, they do not like to be called out! They will begin to shrink and crawl away the second you name them. It's really as simple as saying to yourself "I am feeling like I am not good enough."
3. Diagnose your feelings
Once you know and recognize what it is you're actually feeling and you've called it what it is take time to figure out what just happened. How come some your emotions were hijacked from underneath you?
There are a couple emotions other than shame that, when you actually think about it, may be the culprit.
- Humiliation (That situation made me FEEL LIKE such a fool is very different than I AM such a fool).
- Guilt (I DID something bad is very different from I AM bad).
- Embarrassment (I can't believe everyone saw that is very different than I'm so stupid for doing that).
- Scarcity (I'll never be good enough at xyz is very different than I'm not where I want to be yet).
In my fat, stay at home mom, fold laundry and bake moment I was letting scarcity, the belief that I could never be more than someone who folds laundry and bakes, be my complete story. I have found that scarcity is a major contributing factor to a lot of people's shame spirals.
4. Detach what happened from your self worth
You can now recognize the feeling, you've called it what it is and you even know how you ended up feeling like this. Now it's time to detach whatever happened or whatever you're thinking from your belief about who you are as a person!
Yes, you may have missed your mother-in-laws birthday for the third year in a row (guilt) but that does not mean that you're a bad person. It means you want to take steps to be better about remembering birthdays in the future.
Sure, your friend may have called you out at lunch for something you did when you were teenagers (humiliation) but that does not mean that you, as a person, are not worthy of love.
Yes, I was indeed folding laundry and baking cookies. And yes, I did not work out as hard as I do some days. But in no way does my story end there!
5. Reach out to those you trust for support
Shame loves to be kept secret! The quieter you are, the more your monsters will grow and overshadow you. Call your support team when you're feeling this way. These are the people that won't judge you or try and fix you, they'll just listen and even understand. For me, these people are my sisters and a few good friends.
Learn what your shame monsters look like! Learn who you can trust with your feelings of shame! These are people who bring clarity to your situation! They don't try and one up you with stories of their own, they don't rush you because they're too busy and they certainly do not make you feel like you're alone in this situation. They understand you because they know what it feels like to have their own shame monsters attack.
Together, you and your support team can conquer these monsters! When they begin to creep in and hover over you, you can turn around and stare them in the face. Call them what they are and watch as they begin to shrink.
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