I know often times people will do an introduction and tell you a little bit about their family, but I want to tell you a little bit about the family I grew up in. I am one of seven kids and my dad was always really into those personality quizzes that you can take. The ones that assign you a color, you know. Well, out of the nine of us in my family, I am the only yellow, and for anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, the yellow personalities are motivated by fun! I remember when I was in high school and we went to California on a vacation. I was super excited to take surfing lessons, but what we ended up doing was visiting museums. I remember one evening, sitting in my home with my family; my mom was working on a quilt, my dad was studying his scriptures and my twin sister asked if she could read a poem that she had written to me. As I looked out the window at the snow fort I had built and longed to be out there I remember thinking, very clearly, I do not fit in here, you guys are all boring! So fast forward 30 years to when Brandon called and asked me to speak, you want to know what my first thought was? Yay, I can share with them some of my poems! No joke, when I thought that, I remembered the day when I was little, staring out the window at my snow fort and I remembered my boring family. NO!! When did I become boring?!?! For sanities sake, I quickly had to pick a new word to replace boring. I chose well-rounded!
You may be wondering why in the world I started writing poems. I’ll tell you. They're prayer poems actually, and it started when I read the lyrics to the primary song I Pray in Faith. The lyrics read, “I begin by saying Dear Heavenly Father, I thank Him for blessings He sends. Then humbly I ask Him for things that I need, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” They were easy to understand lyrics, which is good for small children, and I understood the goodness this song was trying to portray. But I found the lyrics void of any emotion, and I found myself wishing the primary song could portray more connection to God. I wanted the lyrics to be able to teach the children how to open themselves up and be personal with God. So, I took it upon myself to rewrite the primary song. I sat down and was all set to write a one- or two-line poem that could be used in the song. One that could teach kids how to be open and make prayer personal. But I was not far in when I realized that I could not possibly come up with a one or two lined poem that could encompass all that prayer is. As I wrote my first one, I thought, but that doesn’t cover this aspect of prayer! And then I wrote my second one, and I thought, but that only covers one-way God helps me. So before long, I found myself writing prayer poems. And at our most recent general conference President Nelson, referring to this unusual year we’ve all encountered, asked us to reflect on what we have learned. I hope to share some of what I have learned through my prayer poems.
If I think back to one short year ago, this weekend, last year, my family and I were in Washington DC, feverishly trying to find enough LIME scooters to rent so we could continue on, but also give our tired feet a break. We were trying new ice cream shops each night, exploring museums and throwing a football back and forth on the mall lawn not far from our nation’s capital.
At this point in my life, I had been clinging to every talk and scripture I could find on our covenants and yearning to learn more about them. Last October, President Nelson told the women in general conference, “Every woman and every man who makes covenants with God and keeps those covenants, and who participates worthily in priesthood ordinances, has direct access to the power of God. Those who are endowed in the house of the Lord receive a gift of God’s priesthood power by virtue of their covenant, along with a gift of knowledge to know HOW to draw upon that power.
The heavens are just as open to women who are endowed with God’s power flowing from their priesthood covenants as they are to men who bear the priesthood. I pray that truth will register upon each of your hearts because I believe it will change your life. Sisters, you have the right to draw liberally upon the Savior’s power to help your family and others you love.”
And may I add, to help ourselves! We can draw upon the Savior's power to help ourselves.
As I did all I could to study my covenants and drew closer to God, my life turned into something magical. Not just while we were in DC, but even back at home. My every day life seemed beautiful and I felt close to God in a way I hadn’t before.
Joseph B. Wirthlin once said that to drink deeply of living waters can transform ordinary existence into a life of excitement. That it can infuse meaning into our lives and make our lives a sublime joy. That when the gospel is fully embraced, we will be filled with wonder and walk with an inner fire.
I was amazed that these promises were being fulfilled in my own life. I believed that THIS is what the prophet meant when he said we could draw upon the Saviors power! This wonder and magic I seemed to have was God’s power, and it was amazing. My prayer poem goes as follows,
I burst out with excitement,
Dear Heavenly Father!
I can’t wait to share with you my discovery.
This lake, the land and my everyday drive,
they’ve transformed, and suddenly, it’s almost like they’re alive.
There’s energy, there’s power, there’s beauty and inner pride,
and slowly I see, it’s because I have you on my side.
My life, my family, my body and inner mind,
have we always been this loving and kind?
Where did it come from, this feeling from deep inside?
This abundance, that’s made all the good amplified.
I get in now, I understand, and I see,
it’s you, keeping the promises you’ve always made with me.
I kind of can’t believe it, God, that in everyday things,
with you in my life, there’s no end to the happiness they bring.
When the pandemic started in March and as things began to close down, filled with this wonder Elder Wirthlin spoke of, I was actually excited. I was excited for the fact that I was alive for something like this! I got to witness it, history in the making! I would get to tell my grandkids about what it was like. I mean, that’s pretty cool!
So, you can imagine the shock it was to me when 2020 has been anything but filled with wonder. To quote Elder Holland, I echo his sentiments when he states, “I took a psychic blow that was as unanticipated as it was real.” And even though I know this can happen to anyone, I felt betrayed by God. Hadn’t we established this beautiful life of abundance together?
Another prayer poem I wrote goes as follows:
I softly sob
Dear Heavenly Father.
I’m so lonely it hurts inside.
Is it okay if I just sit with you and cry?
I know this disaster is happening worldwide,
but honestly, I’m not sure how much longer I can comply.
My old life, the gym, church friends and strangers faces,
they’re all closed off, shut down and hidden in their own safe spaces.
But connection is key, you created it that way,
so, can I just ask, how much longer must we go on living this way?
You’re at the helm, the one in control!
Please fix it! Please find a way to make my life whole.
I know it’s up to me God, to make the most out of everything.
But in this moment, I’m so sad, and peace is why I’m here,
peace is one thing I know you can bring.
I have spent the past few months being a little hurt by God, I thought He and I had this good thing going. I was holding up my end of the bargain, but it seemed to me that he had dropped the ball. But then, in general conference Elder Holland said something that stopped me cold in my tracks.” He said,
“With apologies to Elder Neal A. Maxwell for daring to modify and enlarge something he once said, I too suggest that “one’s life … cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free.” It simply will not work “to glide naively through life,” saying as we sip another glass of lemonade, “Lord, give me all thy choicest virtues, but be certain not to give me grief, nor sorrow, nor pain, nor opposition. Please do not let anyone dislike me or betray me, and above all, do not ever let me feel forsaken by Thee or those I love. In fact, Lord, be careful to keep me from all the experiences that made Thee divine. And then, when the rough sledding by everyone else is over, please let me come and dwell with Thee, where I can boast about how similar our strengths and our characters are as I float along on my cloud of comfortable Christianity.”12
My beloved brothers and sisters, Christianity is comforting, but it is often not comfortable.”
And I knew in that moment that I MUST change my focus! I needed to begin to find ways that I was being comforted and stop longingly looking back to when my life was comfortable.
Wasn’t Lots wife turned into a pillar of salt for looking back? Wasn’t I too stopping any forward progression because I kept looking back at when life was comfortable? Wasn’t I missing the point? When the prophet said that we could draw upon God’s power, he didn’t mean that I could only draw upon that power when life was going well!
And In my constant longing for the past, I was missing present opportunities to see and discover what it looked like to draw on God’s power when things were hard.
But Elder Hollands quote was like a slap in the face! Wake up, Emily! Change your focus! This is what God was telling me.
And in his ever-loving ways, He even directed me where to go so I could see that all the while, I had still had His power in my life, I was just too blinded by the past to see it.
For some time now I had been texting with a friend, each night, three things I am thankful for from the day, and I had a very strong prompting to go back and read those things. Each day, when I sent them to her, I was thankful for them. But this time, when I went back and read them, I was filled with the spirit. Certain ones jumped off the page at me as specific things God had done JUST FOR ME! People he had sent, decisions Jaren and I had made months ago that I was just now seeing the effects of, situations I found myself in - all of them showed me that He was aware of me and knew exactly what I needed. As I read, I was filled with the spirit and began to cry. All this time, God had been right here with me. I would like to read just two of these texts from the past few months.
1. I know I’ve said this before, but my mother in law is like an angel. With Jaren out of town for work, I need help with Austin, and she has taken on that role and does it with so much love. I literally could not have made yesterday work had she not been so helpful. What a HUGE blessing that we are living here right now!
2. When I came back from Walgreens my niece and nephew were here. My niece came running up to me and after having a hard day, seeing that bright smiling face, so excited to see ME, filled me with so much love. And she hugged me, and I realized in that moment that I really needed a hug. And with Jaren out of town I was able to get one from this adorable little girl and it meant the world to me! And somehow, seeing my niece and nephews’ sweet young faces and hearing them talk and share their little lives with me reminded me of all the good. Their being here was such a small thing but it brought so much joy to my day!
In regards to being thankful in any circumstance, Elder Uchtdorf reminded us that,
“We can choose to be grateful, no matter what. This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.
When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.
We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?
…
This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.”
Two things from this quote that I really like.
First, how much of life do we miss by thinking that we can only be grateful AFTER our problems are solved?!?! That’s the rut I had been in. I was waiting to be grateful when life returned to what I thought it should be. And even though I had been sending these texts every night, I was still allowing the hardships of my life be what I was focusing on, instead of focusing on all that God does for me, and all the ways I can draw upon His spirit! When Elder Uchtdorf says that gratitude can surpass disappointment, discouragement and despair, I would like to add that it can only do that if we allow it to!
The other part of this quote that I really like is when he reminds us that we can lift up our hearts because of Christs Atonement!
Because that is what it all boils down to, isn’t it? That Jesus Christ himself promised us that He will support us.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
REST UNTO OUR SOULS!! That is what Jesus Christ is promising us! So naturally, the next question I would ask is how. How in the world can he do that?
In Alma we are told.
“11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
He knows how to do that because He’s already been there! He’s already suffered whatever it is that we’re going through. And I wonder sometimes if we forget about Him, that He’s an option to turn to. Because I don’t think that our good friend, Jesus Christ, is sitting casually by with no regard for if or when we’ll come to Him. I think he understands us so deeply; just like a mother who lost a son to cancer can feel another mothers pain who is in the same situation, or how a recovering alcoholic yearns to help others walking down that same road, so too does our Savior feel our pain and yearn for us to turn unto Him.
If I were to see President Nelson face to face, and answer his question of what have I learned this year, I would tell Him that I have learned that when He promised us that every person has direct access to God’s power, that I misunderstood that to mean that life would be comfortable. And that I now know, that what he meant, was we will always have access to our Savior, Jesus Christ.
And I am so thankful for Him! I am thankful that he is ALWAYS there, in ANY circumstance!
Because when Elder Holland tells us that Christianity isn’t comfortable, he isn’t lying to us. But he’s also not taking a single thing away from Elder Worthlin who has promised a life filled with wonder and excitement.
Both of these men are right!
And we will all encounter seasons in our life that are filled with wonder and excitement, and we will also slump into the ones that are so dang hard.
And I am thankful that no matter which one I am in, My Savior and friend can do all, and be all, to help me make the most out of that situation. He can magnify my high’s, he can lift me out of the trenches, and if needs be, he can even sit with me while I am in the trenches.
I’ll finish with one last prayer poem as my testimony of the reality of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and all that He does for me. I love Him with all my heart.
I begin by saying
Dear Heavenly Father.
I tell Him anything.
I cry, I shout, I beg, and I plead,
I always make sure He’s aware of my needs.
But when I remember all that He’s done,
and the gift of His only begotten Son,
His love is what’s left to lift and remind,
He did it not just for me,
but for you and for all of mankind.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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