It is FINALLY returning. I am FINALLY feeling normal again. I am FINALLY feeling close to God and the spirit is FINALLY a part of my life again. There are SO MANY things to attribute to this that I can't possibly put it all in one journal entry, but I can tell you when the mainframe started to shift.
It was last week and I was listening to the new Taylor Swift album, Folklore. Her song mirrorball came on, and I have heard it probably 100 times, but this time the lyrics at one particular point in the song really stuck out to me. She sings, "watch me as my shattered edges glisten."
The song continued to play but it I totally stopped listening. God totally used this song title combined with those lyrics to reach me in a way that I wasn't able to do on my own.
If you think of a mirrorball, or a disco ball, they truly are made up of broken pieces of glass, and each of those tiny pieces has shattered edged. BUT, mirrorball ALWAYS shine! It doesn't matter what angle you look at a mirrorball, they will ALWAYS reflect light.
And it was like God was telling me, "Emily, I really need you to stop focusing on your broken pieces, and instead, I need you to focus on the fact that I have taken those broken pieces and turned them into something that can shine. Please, focus on the ways you can shine!"
I didn't even realize that I was focusing on my broken pieces until that moment, but I totally was. I was focusing on all the things I was doing wrong as a mom and then I was beating myself up over how terrible of a mom I am. I was finding all the ways I was not a good wife and then I felt terrible about that! I was finding evidence that I was not a good young women's leader and I felt terrible about that. And so all I could see in myself was the bad, the broken! And I was depressed because of it! And God, in his ever loving way, was able to show me, through a song, that this thinking pattern was not serving me!
The depression had reached a new level for me and it was like that moment, on that bike ride, just flipped a switch.
Anyways, that's it for now. I have more I want to write about our trip to the Kennedy Space Center, but I'll do that tomorrow.
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