Two nights ago I went to bed angry. I was angry because I feel like the things I want to do are being over shadowed by the mom role. Being the stay at home parents is no joke!
Like, last week, Jaren went out of town. He went to North Carolina to go kite boarding. He didn't have to check with me first, he just went. He didn't have to worry about who would be with the boys, because he doesn't have to worry about that, ever.
When we wake up in the morning, he gets to go workout, whenever he wants. If he sleeps in, it's no big deal, because he can just do his workout a little later. But I don't have that option. My morning time is chunked up and determined what time is mine, versus what time is the boys, by the boys schedule and their need to get ready for school.
So he gets up, works out, and is showered and ready for work while I am just barely starting my workout, because I make the boys breakfast and then clean up the kitchen. And that, alone, took over an hour the other day, with everyones dishes left over from the previous days, they really add up!! Then I help Caleb with school or do his PE with him, and then I get to do my workout! And by the time I am showered and ready for the day, it's noon, and the boys are getting done with school. And then they get their free time, and as it turns out, that's when my free time just started as well.
So yay, free time! But now it's time to pay the bills, and we're out of frozen pizza's and need more bread, and Caleb wants to watch Survivor and play hide-and-seek, and Jaren is planning a trip to Florida, where once again, my free time will be sucked up by spending time with the family.
And what I want to do, what I really want to do, is spend time working on my Shine project! And so I feel guilty. I should want to spend time with my family! I like spending time with my family, but that's all I do! And I know from their eyes it feels like all I do is work on my calling. And if it were just my calling, then yes, that is getting done and is going well! But if it were just my calling, I wouldn't be angry, but I want to do more than the calling. I want to work on this project!
And this project is going to take a lot of time! It's not a small thing I am working on, but I know this is something God wants me to do. I really do know that! All the goos ideas I've gotten and answers to prayers that have come, they've all been from Him. All the insight and guidance and revelation, they have all been real! And I know that it will help people grow closer to Him and their Savior, and I know that that changes lives. I know that because creating that connection with them changed me and my life! And at the time, I truly did not believe I could ever be changed. I believed, deep inside, that I was worthless!
And I know Jaren supports me in my calling, I see that and I am so thankful for that! But I don't know how to communicate that I need more time. More uninterrupted time. I want uninterrupted time! Like he gets. Like he gets to just go to North Carolina without even thinking twice, and he gets to fit in his workout at 6:00am or 7:30am and doesn't have to worry about anyone else taking that away from him because they want pancakes and sausage. I am so scared to tell him this that I don't. And I'm scared because in the past, any time I have told him I want to do something, he has always said, "as long as it doesn't take time away from the family." So I am scared! I am scared he will be annoyed. So I don't tell him, instead, I just get angry when he plans trips, because I see any and all free time slipping away from me. And my project that I know I want to do, and I know would be a good thing, and I know will take a lot of work, continually get put on the back burner.
So like I said, as I started out this journal entry, I went to bed angry the other night, because we booked a trip to Florida. And I want so desperately to be supportive! I want Jaren to be happy, and before he went to North Carolina he was so depressed and withdrawn that I was lonely, I missed him. And he came back all happy again, interacting with the family, and touchy feely. He touched me every time he passed me, and tickled my back in the movie and wanted to have sex again, which I knew meant he was feeling better. So I WANT to support these trips, I WANT to be excited about them! Which means I have to suck it up and tell him what I need! Because if we can get that for me, then I don't have to be angry about supporting him. And maybe that looks like one night a week (besides Wednesdays) where I am not working on my calling, and I am not doing family stuff, but I just get to work on my project, and that's it! And Jaren will be with the boys, and there won't be any interruptions. And I (hopefully) don't have to feel guilty!
I have more I want to say about that night, when I was angry, because I took it to God and got the best support back from Him, but Jaren is up, and I need to go talk to him about this before I lose any courage I have.
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