I did it, I spoke to Jaren last week about how I need time, uninterrupted time, to work on my project. And he willingly gave it to me! So now, the rest of this mental battle is in my head. Here is what I know, and unfortunately, these are the things my brain wants to focus on, and I have GOT TO retrain my thinking patterns around this topic, because the current thinking patterns are destroying me and making me angry.
So, what I know, is that Lisa never did anything outside of her family, and to this day, she believes that for a mother to do so is a bad thing. I can tell by the comments she makes about Kira teaching classes. She even went so far as to say one time that Jake is the stay at home parent because Kira teaches classes. I literally rolled my eyes at her. And to be perfectly honest, this is not a healthy thing to teach kids!
Yes, of course our families are important! Yes, of course they should be our number one focus! But that DOES NOT MEAN they have to be our ONLY focus! And that is a freaking HUGE difference! It is important that each individual, in their own lives, has goals that they are working on! It's how you grow, it's how learn, and ultimately, it's how God can use us to touch other people.
And I have goals! I have big goals! I have goals that are exciting to me and things that I dream about, but in order to get them done, it will have to take time away from the family. And until last week, I have believed that this is a bad thing. BUT NOT ANYMORE! What a liberating thing to feel and know and believe! I can and should be something other than just mom! And in doing so, it in no way she or form diminishes my family or my devotion to it! HA! THAT FELT SO GOOD TO EVEN TYPE!!!!
But, for so long, it has been engrained in me that this is bad, and that if I want to do anything it can not be if it doesn't take away from the family, or from family time. And this has come from Jaren. And he got that mind-frame from his mother. So not only am I re-training my brain and all of my thinking patterns, but I am doing so with this worry that Jaren is annoyed by it all. And the truth is, he may be, I don't know. He probably wishes I didn't want to pursue these goals, I don't know! And I don't care. Because I know and believe that this is right.
So here is what I have to work on. I have to work on letting go of the anger towards Jaren, and even Lisa, for this thinking pattern they have. I have to stop! Because for some reason, I want to hold onto that so badly! And that will destroy me. If, every time I go to do something away from the family, I believe that Jaren is annoyed, I will be annoyed with Jaren. And that's not fair. Because I don't know what Jaren is thinking, and even if he is annoyed, he's not rude to me about it. He told me when I talked to him last week that he would support me in this, and so now, I have to believe him! I have got to let go of the grudge that I have been holding onto move forward. And that is HARD! I often feel like my life is this literal battle between good and evil, and I can feel the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and right now, the devil is LOUD!
So it is up to me, to use all the mental health tools, and to say all the prayers, and to give the negative over to my Savior, because I have work to do, in my family and with my goals, and I don't want to give Satan another ounce of my time, energy, emotions, or thoughts!!!
And on a different note, Amber Powell and I are sharing three things with each other from out days where we noticed God's hand in our lives. The first day we did this, I had three things come easily to my mind. It was like as I went through the day I could see and feel God in my life. But yesterday was a little harder. There weren't things that were super noticeable that just stuck out to me as being obviously. But sure enough, as I laid in bed last night and thought about it, I could indeed see ways that God was thinking about me and that He loved me. So here are the things I texted Amber.
First Day:
1. The cabin door didn’t shut all the way when we all left, and that was a huge blessing! Had it shut all the way we would have been locked out. I suppose some may have seen it as a coincidence, but I got a clear impression that this was no coincidence, but that God was watching out for us.
2. The prayer I said to end my fast. It was full of Love from God, which I neededtoday!! I have been having such a hard time and feeling this love was a welcomed reminder that God loves me, even if I feel like I am falling short.
3. The family game we playedtonight. It brought laughter into the home and good feelings all around!
Second Day:
1. I woke up early, before my alarm, before everyone else, allowing me time to talk to my sister who lives in Germany. Had I not been awake, I would have missed her since my phone would have been on do not disturb.
2. When we got home from the cabin, we stopped by the house and as a family, we mowed and weed whacked and took care of the pool together. This usually takes me HOURS of work, but as a family, we were done in one hour. It saved me so much timetoday!!
3. This one really caught me off guard, and was by far the most special one. I went the whole day without trying to be happy. It just came naturally, and I felt like myself again. I have been struggling with depression so badly and each day recently has felt like I have to make effort to be me and want to hang out with people, and so it was so nice to just live a day where I didn’t have to try, and it just came naturally. And I never would have noticed that had I not stopped and reflected last night!
"As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day."
That quote is by Elder Eyeing and it's from his talk titled O Remember, Remember. You can read it here.
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